TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally out of location. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, confident, let's have An additional area the place American men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply Every person a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It is that he ought to cease employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You understand, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from House, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place company may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may also consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down support."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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